For men, sexuality = sex appeal, which has always been an unbreakable "truth". In fact, sexuality ≠ sex appeal. What exactly is sex appeal? What should a really attractive guy look like?
What I want to talk about today is the story of the birth of [Comprehensive Evaluation of Sex Appeal], which is the most popular test in our evaluation department recently.
When I was in the second year of junior high school, since boy's body began to growth, the game of "compare the size" became popular among the boys (yes, that's what you think).
If your little brother is big and strong, that's a really proud and "manly" thing. If you're unfortunate to growth later than others, that would be miserable. You may be laughed by other boys and can't hold your head up. I have a classmate who grew up very late in junior high, making him a little resistant to going to the toilet at that time.
This is enough to prove how seriously boys take their organ size. However, this emphasis on physical conditioning does not diminish with age. Today, "big size," "strong enough," and "long time" are still the gold standards for evaluating whether a guy is masculine or not.
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Always dissatisfied with yourself, the truth may not be so
For boys, sexuality = sex appeal, which has always been an unbreakable "truth". After all, not being able to conquer your mate and give your mate a perfect sexual experience is disgraceful to many men.
Therefore, under the guidance of this trend of thought, everyone is pursuing excellent sexual ability: proud size, magnificent performance, and lasting time have become factors that cannot be ignored. Everyone secretly ridicules who do not meet these conditions are not "manly" enough, and at the same time they are vaguely worried that they are lacking and that they are not evaluated as "manly" enough by others.
Under this pressure, sex becomes more than just sex, it's also a way of proving that one is "man enough". This kind of sex gradually changed the sense.
My friend secretly told me about his troubles: His anxiety about sex has stopped him from enjoying it. Every time he's in bed, he worries that he's not "hard enough" to satisfy his wife. Once his wife doesn't show excitement and enjoyment, he's frustrated and feels like he "can't." But the problem is that the more he thinks about it, the more anxious he becomes, and his little bro become more weak, as if he has fallen into a vicious cycle of death...
Then the question arises: can only "big bro" can be "satisfied"? Is sexuality really the same as sex appeal?
The truth is that the average size of a male penis in the United States is between 3.9-5.4inch, and as long as the erection is not shorter than 2.7inch, it is not a physical disorder, it has the ability to bring orgasm to their partner.
Research on sex time shows that longer is not always better. For women, about 15 minutes of sex time is ideal (the sex time here refers to the time from penetration to orgasm), while more than 30 minutes of sex may be uncomfortable. (The data comes from a survey of Canadian and American sex therapists in 2008)
This confusing view of male sexuality stems in part from the "penis-centric" mindset surrounding reproduction. But as time goes on, sex is no longer just about reproducing the next generation, it's about two people expressing their love and creating a pleasurable experience together.
If sexuality ≠ sex appeal, then what exactly is sex appeal?
Attitude to sex is more important than sex itself
If we regard sex appeal as an ability to "bring a better sex experience for both of couple", then we might as well analyze "what is sex appeal" from the perspective of both sexual partners.
In fact, what a partner values in bed is "all abilities" that can make he or she happy. This does not only include external physical conditions such as size and time. Confident and healthy sexuality, equal and inclusive empathy, loving intimacy... these all make sex more pleasurable. So, these elements are all integral to sexual glamour.
The shortcomings of many men's sex appeal are also reflected in the excessive attention to sports - it’s good or bad of sex seems to depend entirely on how well you do the penis sport, and the other parts, such as atmosphere and foreplay , doesn't always seem to matter that much. Overemphasizing the physical stimulation of sex, while ignoring the true feelings of two people, this will have a great impact on the sex and even the daily life of two people.
Anxiety can make sexual performance inaccurate
Men who think they lack of sex appeal will overly monitor their own physical performance - they fear that they are not manly enough for their partners, and they worry that they cannot bring their partners to orgasm...... These thoughts can hinder sex life, so that people are constantly located in the anxiety of self-evaluation. The more nervous will be tense, the more difficult it is to produce the feeling of satisfaction.
Self-centeredness couldmake partners feel disrespected
Sex is a life experience for two people, and it should be enjoyable for both participants. If we want to achieve the goal of "bigger, harder and longer", including with external physical help, it may be tempted to focus too much on their self and ignore the real needs of partner. It is easy to become overly focused on oneself and ignore the real needs of one's partner during sexual activity. In fact, without sufficient foreplay and full-body contact, neither the partner can reach orgasm, but also let the partner experience feelings ignored, rejected and emotionally neglected. In the long run, this lack of empathy for sex will lose its appeal, and it will be difficult to make the partner feel the initial pleasure.
Sexual conflicts that can hinder emotional communication
What sex brings is not only physical pleasure, but also the connection of the soul, a unique memory and experience. Sex is full of anxiety and self-satisfaction, is no longer a way to communicate love between two people, if we full of thoughts of "longer", "more enjoyable", "there is no conquest partner", such sex the two of them will have an invisible "wall" between them. Sex no longer becomes a bridge between the two, but a time bomb of conflicts lurking.
Develop healthy lifestyle habits
At all times, the body is the most important.
Do not smoke, limit alcohol, eat less fast food and exercise consistently, etc. Studies have confirmed that toxic substances such as nicotine in tobacco can destroy the mesenchymal cells in the testicles. Mesenchymal cells are what secrete androgens, which are the driving factors of a man's sexual desire and ability.
Similarly, alcohol can cause a decrease in serum testosterone levels by poisoning the testes and other reproductive organs, which can cause decreased libido and sperm malformations. Meanwhile, excessive alcohol consumption can easily induce prostatitis and even secondary dysfunction, which can cause infertility.
The bad habits can cause hyperlipidemia, resulting in increased viscosity of the blood, and also affect the function of the blood vessels, which can cause narrowing of the penis, hardening or narrowing of the arteries of the penis, which in turn reduces the blood supply to the penis.
Bad habits can also induce obesity, affecting the secretion of sex hormones, resulting in an increase in estrogen and a decrease in androgens, leading to a decrease in sexual performance.
How to become a charming malein partner’s view?
A guy with real sex appeal should look like this:
-He knows how to enjoy sex and how to derive pleasure and satisfaction from it (rather than proving anything through sex).
-He knows how to let his partner enjoy sex with him and is not selfish during sex.
-He will explore new ways to play with sex and know how to use new elements to keep the relationship fresh.
-He knows how to enhance the level of intimacy with his partner through sex, to promote love through sex, and to unite sex...
Obviously, the pursuit of "big size" and "long time" will not help us to become such sexually attractive men (or even a kind of backtracking). Therefore, we need to re-understand sex appeal, accurately assess their own sex appeal, and then target to enhance it.
It is for this reason that we need to develop such a sex appeal test to help those men who have been confused and troubled by sex appeal.
After conducting extensive literature research, based on the findings of Ménard and other scholars, and also combined with field interview visits, I came up with four major modules and nine factors that constitute sex appeal. They are:
Self-appreciation: an individual's self-assessment of whether he or she is sexually attractive.
Sexual quality: the overall level of quality of sexual intercourse, including sexual competence and sexual self-esteem.
Sexuality: ideas and attitudes related to sexuality, including sexual interest, sexual respect, and sexual openness.
Sexual skills: Competency skills related to sex, including sexual interaction, sexual innovation, sexual communication and sexual knowledge.
We should analyze the level of sex appeal comprehensively from nine dimensions in four modules, including self-appreciation, sexual quality, sexual perception and sexual skills. We hope you will become that sexy and charming male in your partner's eyes.
Corty EW, Guardiani JM. Canadian and American Sex Therapists' Perceptions of Normal and Abnormal Ejaculatory Latencies: How Long Should Intercourse Last?. The Journal of Sexual Medicine. 2008, 5 (5): 1251–1256.
Janell L. Carroll. Discovery Series: Human Sexuality 1st. Cengage Learning.
Ménard, A. D., & Offman, A. (2009). The interrelationships between sexual self-esteem, sexual assertiveness and sexual satisfaction. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(1/2), 35.